I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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