what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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