the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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