positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
