I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
