I'm lost and stupid without you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
