At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize