You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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