How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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