do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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