Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
