She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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