made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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