she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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