Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
