Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
