Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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