Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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