absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
