wakey wakey hands off snakey
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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