: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
