so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You've changed since you got that strap on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
