yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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