first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm too high and old for this...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
