Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
