I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I smell like Dick and happiness
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