If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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