someone owes me an orgasm
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
