If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
