my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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