I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
