he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
