Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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