My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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