we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
