i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
