i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize