I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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