Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
