We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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