Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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