I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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