Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
there is glitter all over my balls
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