...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
