im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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