he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
