you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
