Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
