Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
