I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
