Your mouth is God's brothel.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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