He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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