i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
