She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
