My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
