I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
