Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
