she was so not down for the gang bang
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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